The Part Where I Ugly Cried Down The Aisle

Our ceremony consisted of Calvin and Hobbes quotes, Dr. Seuss vows, snotty tissues and lots of laughter.

There weren't many tears leading up to our wedding day. I was fairly collected, almost numb to the hustle and bustle of the last week of wedding planning and the stress of managing so many people for one big day. 

When everyone left the bridal room and took their places in the chapel, I sat there by myself in my flowery white dress, and really panicked. Not because I was scared to marry Micah. Quite the opposite. All of the stress, all of the time, all of the money came down to this moment. I also realized that everyone would be looking at me. 

Lots and lots of beady, tear filled eyes on me. I was the kid who covered her ears and hid under the table when people sang Happy Birthday to me at my party.

Instant panic.

So I turned on Florence and the Machine, danced around my bridal suite and played quite a few games of Free Cell on my computer to calm the nerves. It was time to walk down that aisle, and I was pumped. 

The attendants opened the door, and I felt myself make a "AUHP" sound and went to cover my face. What was that?? I put my bouquet down and took a few steps. Another "AHUP" noise. Um? I tried putting the bouquet down and out came the tears. And snot. 

So I started what looked like my walk to the electric chair to my future husband. Luckily for me, he didn't wait long. I made it just under half way down the aisle and stopped and he met me there and let me boo hoo it out for a second. I was a frackin mess.

Notice how all of the photos are from the back? That was the last command that I uttered as I walked down the aisle, purple as a grape and praying no one was catching my ugly cry up the aisle.

Once we got up there, I was mostly composed. My nose, however, felt that it still needed to let some more out, and continued to run for most of the ceremony. My mom caught on that I was needing reprieve of the snot lining my upper lip and had a tissue passed up all 8 bridesmaids. 

I handed the tissue back to my MOH and she was clearly pleased with that move.

Because some people have asked why I chose to walk alone, here is why:

 I have a biological father and a step dad. My step dad adopted me at 16, but we were never close. We were civil at best. He left my mom for other women in an ugly divorce my freshman year of college, and it tore all of us apart. He explicitly said he didn't want a part in my life, as I technically wasn't his child, and I respected that. We mended fences shortly before the wedding, but the damage is still there. My biological father and I didn't and still don't really know much of each other.

For me, tradition is something to be followed only if the tradition fits the situation, not simply because the tradition exists. The father gives away the bride as an act of symbolism, saying "I've been the man in her life, the example to her up to this point. I showed her what a good man is, and taught her how to conduct herself in a relationship. I have approved this man for her and nurtured her and guided her in this relationship."

None of those things applied. I chose Micah, I spoke to my stepdad maybe once throughout the relationship, and I made the decisions that led me to marry him. So I thought it fitting to walk myself down the aisle, as I didn't need anyone to direct and support me in my decision. I chose this for myself and wanted to stand alone in my decision.