Getting Personal

 Time to get a little more personal. And personal ain't short.

I have been wanting to lose this weight for so long. And now that I am, I'm finding it's hard to keep up with my clothes! As I shrink, everything I've bought in the last year isn't fitting quite right. So I need a couple of days to put some things together. In the meantime...

I am still working on finding a balance with this blog. I want to share more, but then worry about backlash or overexposure. I have so much more going on than putting clothes together, or figuring out how to wear belts on my stumpy waist. The last year of my life has been such a personal struggle amidst such a new and 'happy' time as a newly wed and recent Master's graduate.

Back in February, I began a sort of hormone replacement therapy to fix what the evil Yaz (birth control) did to my body.

Before Yaz: October 2010

I was a happy and healthy size two, I rock climbed and ran multiple times a week, was constantly on the move. I had just gotten engaged to the most amazing man, was planning my wedding, finishing up my Master's degree and getting ready to move across the state! I laughed often, cried little and was always up for an adventure. Sounds great, no?

Fast forward to August 2011

When I finally decided to get off the stuff, I was a size 12, was so weak I had trouble shampooing my own hair (that was falling out at an alarming rate), couldn't open a jar to save my life, and an irritable, emotional mess. I felt squishy, doughy, achy and exhausted. I had horrible hot flashes, night sweats that soaked the sheets, crying jags in the middle of the night, I was a road rage nightmare. I ceased being affectionate, was even repulsed by it. I wasn't just 'out of shape' 'frigid' or 'borderline homicidal.' Something much deeper, much more complicated was going on, and I didn't know what to do next. Basically I was a living terror going through menopause at the tender age of 25.

What. The. Heck. 

I was so confused, so scared, so unsure what to do next. I was in the middle of a crazy internship, where I worked non stop, and had no time (or money) to take off for a doctor's appointment, much less several to figure out how to undo the damage. My emotional and physical state was damaging my self esteem, my confidence, and most importantly, my marriage.

Poor Micah. He had no idea what hit him. One minute I was an angry, frustrated and stressed out wife. The next minute I was sweating through my (now very tight) clothes and crying because we didn't have any milk. Not normal, and certainly not healthy. The crying, not the milk. No worries, it was skim.

I was irrational, shut off, burned out and just plain over it. Over everything. It was so hard to explain, so difficult to make people see what was really going on. Sure, some people said I looked 'a little puffy' or maybe noticed I wasn't motivated to do anything anymore. Liars, liars, pants on fire!

The night of our engagement, and the week I started Yaz.
I know, we're a special pair.

Me in September of 2011,
at my largest and most unhappy.
That dress hides a multitude of sins.

February 2012

I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. My internship was over, and I found that I actually had time to start the long road back to normal. I spent weeks looking for a doctor that would really listen to my story, my symptoms and understand that something was seriously wrong. I met with both an OBGYN and a Family Practice physician, and over the course of a month, had multiple blood tests and exams to determine what exactly went wrong.

Just days after Valentine's Day, I got my answer. My hormones were on a riot, and I was invited. They determined that my Testosterone was lower than a 75 year old woman's, and that my immune system was in overdrive. My body was attacking itself, and I tested positive for Lupus symptoms. So I began a course of topical hormone cream that I rubbed on like lotion multiple times a week, and continue to do so today.

And I have noticed a world of difference.

First, I can now put on my size 2's again and button them! I nearly cried the other day when I slid them on and could actually snap them shut. In December, I could maybe get them a couple of inches above my knees. Granted, if I sat in them now, I might blow a seam or bust an organ, but I'm getting there!

My mood has greatly improved, and I find myself being much more interested, engaged and excited about life!I have a renewed love and affection for my husband, my hair is coming back, and I can shampoo my own hair! I am incredibly shocked and excited to see all of these negative side effects melting away. I am just now starting my second month on the treatment, so I'm sure more is in store. 

And the doctors said that as long as I don't grow a beard or start sounding like Cher, I can continue! 

So all this to say... 

I am finally so excited to see what the future holds. Life was scary, marriage was beyond trying and I was losing hope in feeling like a normal human being ever again. My clothes may not be fitting as well, but this time it's a good thing. 

That feels incredible to share, and thanks for sticking with it. 

Now back to regularly scheduled programming!