When the Leaves

Autumn is my most favorite time of year. 

The air gets crisp, humidity goes down and the holiday season begins. Blazers, boots and scarves become wardrobe staples and the occasional sweater makes an appearance. Comfort food is at its prime, and you're allowed to burn candles that smell like leaves and pumpkin.

Autumn has also been the most heartbreaking of all the seasons for me. Every major break up that I have gone through has been between the months of August and November. While the light dims and the air cools, my heart flutters with excitement, but also with a sense of impending sadness. I remember watching the leaves change and the earth settle in for a long hibernation, and thinking that I'd be spending the holidays alone, left to snuggle up in cozy sweaters and down blankets instead of the arms of the one I was missing. Just as the cologne of a love or the smell of mom's pecan pie can conjure up memories of a love past or childhood holidays, the diminished light and crunching leaves occasionally remind me of a lingering sadness. Yes, I am now happily married with a wonderful husband, but the sting of a love lost never really disappears. 

This could be because I had no real variation in when I experienced a breakup, or have a tendency to tie my memories to smells or seasons or even a specific location.  But for whatever reason, this season has held a bit of melancholy for me.

After many fall seasons spent picking up the pieces of shattered expectations, it has been incredibly refreshing to experience fall with consistent joy and fulfillment. This year, Micah will be helping set up our Christmas tree and will be hanging lights around the house. I will have someone to rave over my spice cake for Thanksgiving, and to explore a pumpkin patch with. I am building new memories during my favorite time of year, and now I'll smile and remember that the seasons past are what brought me here today. 

I'm not a very 'mushy' person who gushes over her love for her husband, but felt like I should share this. Yes there are arguments and power struggles and miscommunications. But at the end of the day, I've got my love to keep me warm.